Fort Beluarian Failure

The Fort Beluarian Failure is an iconic event that occurred during the third and fourth sessions of the Tomb of Annihilation campaign, set in the Velmaverse continuity. The event is remembered for it's incredibly retarded execution by particularly the DM (Kelloggs) due to how the players (the Comrades) decided how they'd infiltrate the fortress.

As I'm a rather lazy mother trucker, I've used the extract of this event from the campaign page and spiced it up a tiny bit, enjoy.

The Comrades decided to actually do something for a change, they asked Barbara for some tips back at the tavern, where she pointed them towards a bill board for local jobs. Here one in particular spotted their eyes, a mission from Harbourmaster Zindar in disrupting dealings with pirates. The group accepted and went to the harbour to find him. Upon arrival, they found the harbour office, being greeted by a tall, yellow skinned dragonborn, wielding a magical staff which he held close at all times. Though a little rough with them, he gave them the details of the job, claiming that the ‘Flaming Fist’ had been making some shady deals with the pirates operating around the Bay of Chult. The dragonborn requested that the party somehow found a way inside their fortress named Fort Beluarian, and once there, gain access to the commander’s quarters and find anything regarding these dealings. He also told the party that he’d send his associate just a little after the group would leave to pick up what they’d find. With the party ready and with their 2 mounts they set off outside the city walls and went along the coastline to reach their destination. Along the way, they were attacked by 11 raptors, though made quick work of them. They arrived at the fort with little trouble, though true trouble would lay ahead

WARNING – High levels of Retardation are ahead you’ve been warned

Once there, the party split up. Half would go in which included Dave, Camila and UwU whilst Alistair and Zook would stay outside (pussies). Those that went in decided to go in the normal way. They reached the gates and although they were anticipating trouble, they were able to walk on in fine, as it was open to the public. At this point everything seemed to be going smoothly, there were various shops set up along the courtyard, where promising adventurers could find some FUCKIN SWEET deals and enquire about the Flaming Fist and how powerful they were etc. THEY could’ve done that, but other ideas were in their minds. The fort was heavily guarded, with hardened warriors in the courtyard and crossbow men on the wooden walls. With this in mind Camila devised an extremely clever plan... She told the miniature, mentally defunct, dragonborn barbarian Dave to go along with everything she said. Dave of course willingly agreed and so proceeded to do everything the Cat said. In the middle of the courtyard, Dave proceeded to pull down what little pants he had on and “pretended” to be rammed in the ass by a feline furry. This presentation would go on for around a minute until the entire courtyard watched in silence and were shaken to their core. In that minute, each person pondered on the creation of the universe, the meaning of life and if there was any God at all. Visions of Thomas Aquinas, Plato, David Hume and other great philosophers went through their heads as they all came to the same conclusion, what the fuck were they watching? When would it end? Why are people like this allowed to live? And what all-powerful God would allow this travesty to occur?

I’ll just give you a minute to picture that…

The leader of this detachment for the Flaming Fist came out of the inner bailey and questioned what the hell was going on. However, Camila with a little use of comedy (+magic) made the commander fall to her knees laughing uncontrollably, having to be dragged back inside. However, to make matters worse for the party, Camila, now realising how strange the position she was in, turned herself invisible. This action made the guards go into high alert, taking the half-naked Dave into the inner bailey and placing him in the cells. Camila, now invisible, would sneak into the inner bailey and try to find the commanders quarters and free Dave. This resulted in an epic fail, with the Tabaxi being caught and being placed next to Dave in the makeshift cells. Both Alistair and Zook became impatient and so tried to go into the fort, though due to what happened earlier, the guards were still on high alert, and to add a tiny bit of racism, took the tiefling in, on the grounds of her looking suspicious. Zook (a white male) was of course allowed in but told to not mess about and could only stay for a small limited time. In order to save his carer and assumed his allies had met the same fate, he prepared a chemical liquid to cause a distraction. However, whilst fiddling with his equipment, he spilt some acidic substance on the ground, making the nearby guards also take him in. UwU was standing outside of the bailey having watched all this happen. The associate, whom Zindar said would come meet with the party, recognised UwU, asking her where the others were, with UwU’s response only being…

"uWu" and pointing towards the bailey.

Though the party had not ran out of luck, as the associate had brought the dwarf druid Jaffie back from his dealings. Though UwU was a stupid woman, Jaffe was a man, and he had a plan...

Zindar’s associate appeared concerned, pondering to himself why it had to be these people who took the job. Though at this point Jaffie was onto it, having changed himself into a small mouse (something like that) and climbed up the walls of the inner bailey until he reached a window. Here, Jaffie peered in, to find the prisoners being interrogated by the commanding officer of the fort, named Lara Portyr. She was a fairly tall, strong, independent woman whom at this time was slapping the gnome Zook several times across his face. Zook eventually uncovered why this was happening, as it was revealed to him that someone with oddly similar facial features and same race had broken into a house relating to someone important to do with the Flaming Fist, stealing vital documents and a large diamond. Zook was able to convince the commander that it wasn’t him, but rather someone very close by. The tabaxi came clean, and out of the little good will she had, told Lara to let the gnome and the others go. Whilst Alistair and Zook were freed, it became clear that Dave was not in the cells. As the tiefling and the gnome went outside of the bailey, they were greeted in the courtyard by a portrayal of something seen out of the Passion of The Christ, with Dave having to drag a large wooden pole and to be executed upon it. Thankfully for Dave, Alistair and Zook convinced the fortress guards that he was allowed to be set free and thus after regaining their possessions, left the fort. Camila though, was having a worse time, being repeatedly bitch slapped by Lara. Camila made repeated attempts to make her laugh with some jokes but non would work (though would occasionally make her giggle) and would be gagged. Nevertheless, she would continue her bashing until a Flaming Fist soldier came from up the stairs and told her they needed more men in the courtyard for some unknown reason. The guards in the room swiftly left, though Lara was determined to find out where the diamond was, having just recovered the letter. However, the guard who asked for help remained, just standing and waiting there oddly. At this point, Lara had almost beat the tabaxi to death, until from behind a bunch of barrels and crates, Jaffie emerged, transformed into a wild and raging bear. The dwarf druid had also laid his staff on the ground, having it transform into a large serpent, wrapping itself around the commander, making her unable to move. Though the fight was long (almost the entire session), Jaffe had been successful in tearing Lara to shreds, her body being completely fucked up. (we also have to thank UwU as she was the guard in disguise who got the guards to not come help her. Yay, strong female characters, stfu woman). Now having to find a way out, UwU transformed into Lara Portyr, whilst pretending to have Camila and Jaffie as her prisoners. As she was leaving, the guards questioned where she was going and if they needed an escort. Though UwU tried to say no, it didn’t work, insisting that they must open the doors for her and protect her on her way back to the port city. On the way out, Alistair, Dave and Zook caught wind of the party, ambushing the caravan along the road and killing the two escorts before nearly killing UwU whilst she was in her disguise. After having obtained what he wanted by getting it himself, the associate paid the party on the shoreline before swiftly leaving them.